PSA: Do you have swine flu?

Its official, animals are out to get us and have declared an outright war on humanity. It started as a pre-emtive strike with mad cow disease, evolved to something much more effective with bird flu and now the pigs are getting into the act with swine influenza (also referred to as SIV). For centuries mankind had thought that they could eat the flesh of animals without consequences, that there would be no response from their prey... well now the animal kingdom is pissed off and has decided to retaliate.

What's concerning, is the way the animals' tactics are evolving. The cows (not the smartest animals around) didn't fully understand the idea of an attack, engineering a disease that only spread through their dead flesh. Dumb idea; burgers taste way too good for us to care about a little mad cow. The birds had a much better idea, creating a contagious disease that spread easily for maximum effectiveness. Now the pigs have mutated two different flu strains together to create a 'super flu' that is fully airborne and released it in a country with high levels of tourism for maximum penetration into the human population. First beef, then poultry and now pork... how long until the sheep get tired of being violated by Australians and create an STD?

The key to victory in any given war is good intelligence and this war is no different. There are enemy spies amongst us and we mustn't be fooled by them! I speak of course of the evil vegetarians. These traitors have been turned by the animals (who utilized horrific methods to enlist them, such as their 'cuteness' and our sense of morality) and hide amongst us in plain sight, filling our heads with lies and propaganda. I'm sure at this point many of you are asking... what about vegans? Are they also spies? No, they are just retarded hippies.

Meanwhile, SIV spreads across the globe like wildfire, skittish investors are running scared and every Muslim and Jew I know is screaming 'I TOLD YOU SO!' But right now there is very little that we can do except exercise caution, as we wait for a vaccine to become available. Personally I'm convinced that the cure to SIV lies in the blood of vegetarians who appear magically immune to this latest barbaric attack. However one thing is clear, the animals are out for revenge, make no mistake about it.

My philosophy? If you can't beat them, eat 'em. In the words of the great Denny Crane: 'We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.'