State of the nation...

(doesn't anyone else really miss good old 'W'?)

There have been vicious rumours circling the web regarding the locating of brotha and that whereisbrotha is now dead and obsolete... I'm here to tell you that NONE OF IT IS TRUE!

Yes it's true that Lacost thought he saw Brotha from behind at a party one night, but it turned out to be a VW Touareg. Yes it's true that Ice thought he saw Brotha at an IPL game, but thatn just turned out to be Dwayne Leverock. Yes it's true that Jedi hasn't visited this blog in over 3 months =/

But the hunt for brotha continues, so please keep those anonymous tips coming on 0800-789-BROTHA!!! We are counting on your assistance in the hunt for the infamous and ever allusive brotha.

In the meantime however, let us take stock of the first 5 months since the inception of whereisbrotha following the 2am miracle and the recent events that have befallen the whereisbrotha team.

Ice continues to follow the path of the nomad. After having been thrown out of Australia for not having a criminal record, Ice has migrated north to the USA for the summer. A week after he arrived stateside, all the US embassies in South Africa were closed, following a 'credible security threat'. It turns out that the threat came from long time ex-lover Maveli, who stated he 'couldn't bare to be separated from the Ice lovin for another minute'. When asked to comment, Ice merely licked his fingers and rubbed him nipples while humming I'm to sexy.

In other news, we feared the world was coming to an end when Lacost found a girl who actually thought all his costs were "cute". In what appeared to be a story straight out of Revelations, this poor misguided girl actually enjoys spending time with Lacost and says 'so what if he causes the Indian cricket team to lose every now and then, he's super cute'. Naturally, unwilling Lacost room-mate Nijella took this as a self-fulfilment of the prophecies regarding the 'end of days' and decided to throw caution to the wind, live dangerously and take advantage of every remaining moment. Nijella has since taken up golfing.

There has also been speculation regarding the creation of a new website to track down the location of our only female whereisbrotha contributor. I'm here to tell you that this rumour is in fact based of some truth and there is a possibility that whereisjedi will be up and operational by the end of October (Jedi has a birthday in October, so we're hoping to use presents as bait to lure her out of hiding).

Finally, your very own Wifi will be relocating to the crime capital of the world in December. So if I haven't posted here on whereisbrotha within a month of arriving in Gauteng, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm dead... but it might.

On a more festive note however, please join me in congratulating Nijella on his recent engagement. The wedding is in December in Kerala and all brown people (except Kulfi) are invited as long as they bring him presents. Strangely enough, Nijella agreed to get married before he thought the world was going to end. We wish Nijella all the best on this new life adventure.

Well it's been a fun spell here at whereisbrotha and plenty has happened over the past 5 months. The posts have become fewer and farther between, but that was always bound to happen. But please bear with us, we aren't going anywhere!

-wifi

Planet Earth Needs a Bodyguard, not Miley Cyrus!

This is a rant about a couple of things that I noticed in the news this morning that got me a bit riled up.

Firstly, India's Minister for the Environment has rejected any notion that it will cut greenhouse gas emissions in the near future, or even consider any sort of emission caps. He also asserted that India's current priority is to focus on poverty alleviation and economic development. This was basically a message to developed nations not to expect any concessions when the major developed and developing countries meet in Copenhagen in December for negotiations on the follow-up to the Kyoto Protocol.

Now, while those are fine priorities to have, the thing that really irritates me is their refusal to realise that if climate change is not halted or at the very least seriously slowed, life will become infinitely harder for the very people they are currently trying to save! Farmers will lose crops to desertification, the monsoon will shift south leading to severe droughts and the sea levels will rise, causing the destruction of thousands of small fishing villages. These will all affect the poorest people disproportionally. How can these people not see this? Instead of investing in renewable energy, they are ramping up production of coal-fired power plants which will be in operation for the next 25-30 years at least! It makes me sick.

And on a semi-related-but-not-really note, just after reading the previous article I saw a headline (I didn't bother going further) that Hugh Jackman and Miley "Hannah Montana" Cyrus will be teaming up for a remake of "The Bodyguard". Now leaving aside my personal loathing of the insane, fabricated hype around Hannah Montana (I mean seriously, this is the most trite and clichéd character being sold to us as the second coming of Judy Garland or something!), the Bodyguard was not a bad movie - why remake it so soon?! Add to that the not insignificant age gap between Jackman and Cyrus which means that the entire love plot is out the window and you realise that this will be not so much a remake of "The Bodyguard" as a remake of "Man On Fire" with a slightly older girl. It's just stupid. And I swear I'll throw up if I ever hear Miley Cyrus sing "I Will Always Love You"!

That is all.

Have we returned to the dark ages?

Remember when you were a kid and your mom would take you to the supermarket? There were always those moments when you'd throw your favourite candy or chocolate into the shopping basket, only for your mom to consistently put it back. The child's reaction in those moments always amused me. The well behaved child would just accept the mother's decision; the normal kid would beg and plead for a while before giving up and conceding defeat. But then there is the immature terror child who would throw an absolute fit and trash the entire store hoping to get their way. 

To me, this represents a proxy sliding scale for maturity in the world. 

Child 1) The SA government was adamant that South Africa would avoid recession until the last minute, but earlier this week when they were proven wrong, they gracefully admitted their fault and decided instead to focus on a solution. 

Child 2) During the recent Champions League semi-final between Chelsea and Barcelona, Chelsea players spent 50% of the game yelling, begging and pleading the referee for a penalty on several separate occasions. It almost got ugly, but in the end the Chelsea players begrudgingly conceded defeat.

Child 3) Maphatsoe again threatened militant action: “Should Zille not immediately cease the racist tendencies that bring pain to all military veterans of SA, MKMVA will not hesitate to implement a militant programme of action to take back the streets and our communities.”

I must admit that I find that last bit slightly amusing and highly disturbing. When did we return to the dark ages where people would unrightfully demand to get their way and threaten with force in order to get it? Or has the American culture of acting like 10-year olds spread to SA? Have we not evolved at all? And you have to love the new catch phrase in SA politics, commonly used by groups such as the ANCYL, COSATU and MKMVA: 'we will render it ungovernable'. Can you imagine if everyone approached their problems this way?

Boss: Paul I want those reports completed by Friday please.

Paul: No, I refuse. And if you insist my mates and I will make this office ungovernable. Additionally, I require a raise and a car allowance.

Teacher: Greg please stop pulling Sarah's hair.

Greg: No, you can't make me. And if you try I'll make this class ungovernable.

I could go on... But then again, we should ask ourselves what do we really expect from leaders whose education is limited to this:

(a low blow I admit, but I just couldn't resist)

Fear and Distrust...

Allow me to spend one post on a fairly topical issue.

Many people don't seem to be aware of this, but the current global economic recession is as much a product of fear as it is of underlying macroeconomic issues. In fact, if we gaze through history, we can identify countless tragedies that were brought about by the fear of the unknown and distrust of people and things that were different and unfamiliar. The burning of witches, the persecution of scientists by the Catholic church, the holocaust, religious wars and holy crusades... one could go on forever. Even today, conflict (both physical and otherwise) continues in certain parts of the world because people fear each other and are unwilling to attempt to understand and trust people that are different. The metaphor extends to organizations and institutions as well, just look at the US banking sector and various governments' reactions to the global recession.

But I digress... the reason this topic came to mind is far more recent and hits closer to home. Over the last month, a South African trade union (COSATU) attempted to block the public listing of SA's most prominent mobile telecommunications provider (Vodacom). Their public reasoning for this action was to prevent British company Vodafone from acquiring a controlling stake in Vodacom, because they feared that a foreign company would have no reason to care about South African employment, concerning themselves with profit margins instead, and jobs would be lost as a result. In an environment when job losses are almost inevitable, they had no concern about South African controlled Vodacom shedding jobs, but once a foreign country had control they FEARED job losses.

It appears however, that the true reasons for COSATU's (who are firm political allies of the ANC) actions actually make even less sense. It turns out that prominent members of a rival political party (COPE) stood to gain substantially from the R22.6 billion deal's success. So the actual motivation for blocking the listing of Vodacom was to prevent these individuals from making money that could end up in the coffers of COPE. To me, this reasoning is astounding. They were so afraid of money flowing towards a rival political party that they tried to block a massive R22.6 billion deal. Not only that, but they managed to persuade the supposedly 'independent' regulatory body to reverse their earlier decision and object to the listing as well! 

The big issue here, is that if COSATU had succeeded, it would have been a significant blow to an economy already in recession. Without boring you with economic details, South Africa depends on foreign cash flows to finance a substantial deficit in our current account (imports minus exports). A successful action by COSATU would have resulted in significantly reduced investor confidence, most likely resulting in seriously diminished capital flows into SA. Something that would have hurt South African workers as a whole substantially more than most people realise. The same South African workers, whose interests COSATU claims to represent. 

Brotha's IQ is 175! What's yours?

Brotha laughs in the face of these ridiculous IQ ads that have been popping up all over the internet like weeds. The modus operandi appears to require a well known person, a fictional IQ score and a tease line to make you want to prove that you are smarter than the person pictured. With ads like the one below, I can't decide if I should laugh or cry.

Now despite the fact that an IQ of 110 (which is regarded as above average) seems rather generous in this case, the more important point is... WHO THE HELL CARES? 

Sadly this IQ test 'idea' has turned out to be a rather profitable one for advertisers (no doubt due to individuals with sub-100 IQs who keep clicking on these ads hoping to improve their score... the irony of it all) and it appears we'll have to tolerate it for some time yet. These ads have made appearances in various languages, some are bizzare, some have been altered in sick attempts at humour, while others are just plain ridiculous (130? seriously? drop the 1 at least). 

Of course, knowing google ad's cruel sense of humour, there is probably an IQ ad flanking this post, no doubt with Britney's face attached. I can only hope that the readers resist the urge to prove that they have a higher intelligence quotient than a woman who shaved her head, was admitted to a mental institution and flashes her genetalia as a hobby. If you click on the ad, don't bother taking the test, I'll save you the trouble, she wins.

However, if you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this... Brotha's IQ is 175, can you beat that?

- wifi

PS: All the contributors here at 'Where is Brotha?!' have IQ scores of over 140. Can you beat them? Go on, Brotha dares you!

PSA: Do you have swine flu?

Its official, animals are out to get us and have declared an outright war on humanity. It started as a pre-emtive strike with mad cow disease, evolved to something much more effective with bird flu and now the pigs are getting into the act with swine influenza (also referred to as SIV). For centuries mankind had thought that they could eat the flesh of animals without consequences, that there would be no response from their prey... well now the animal kingdom is pissed off and has decided to retaliate.

What's concerning, is the way the animals' tactics are evolving. The cows (not the smartest animals around) didn't fully understand the idea of an attack, engineering a disease that only spread through their dead flesh. Dumb idea; burgers taste way too good for us to care about a little mad cow. The birds had a much better idea, creating a contagious disease that spread easily for maximum effectiveness. Now the pigs have mutated two different flu strains together to create a 'super flu' that is fully airborne and released it in a country with high levels of tourism for maximum penetration into the human population. First beef, then poultry and now pork... how long until the sheep get tired of being violated by Australians and create an STD?

The key to victory in any given war is good intelligence and this war is no different. There are enemy spies amongst us and we mustn't be fooled by them! I speak of course of the evil vegetarians. These traitors have been turned by the animals (who utilized horrific methods to enlist them, such as their 'cuteness' and our sense of morality) and hide amongst us in plain sight, filling our heads with lies and propaganda. I'm sure at this point many of you are asking... what about vegans? Are they also spies? No, they are just retarded hippies.

Meanwhile, SIV spreads across the globe like wildfire, skittish investors are running scared and every Muslim and Jew I know is screaming 'I TOLD YOU SO!' But right now there is very little that we can do except exercise caution, as we wait for a vaccine to become available. Personally I'm convinced that the cure to SIV lies in the blood of vegetarians who appear magically immune to this latest barbaric attack. However one thing is clear, the animals are out for revenge, make no mistake about it.

My philosophy? If you can't beat them, eat 'em. In the words of the great Denny Crane: 'We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.'